I saw the sun rise and set on the same beach in Tel Aviv, and that alone made this trip worth it. I walked down the Mount of Olives all the way to the Garden of Gethsemane, and that alone made this trip worth it. The feeling I had of utter pride (which is a foreign emotion for those who know me) of being able to translate Genesis 1 with the little I have learned and a little help from a dictionary, alone made this trip worth it. The Western Wall: every time I have been there, which is about twice a week now, has made this trip worth it. I know I complain a lot about this trip, but it has been amazing and it is almost half way done. I have seen a lot, but I made a list, and I still have so so SO much more to see. I don't even know if I will be able to! While I figure that out, here are some things I have learned and thought between my last big post and this one:
-I average about a season of the West Wing a week trying to fall asleep. My mind is usually buzzing from what I learned and saw that day, so it helps to clear my head and get me the much needed sleep I crave (I pull 18-20 hour days!). It also helps in drowning out my Israeli suite-mate who plays Halo with his buddies online and then watches war movies at full volume from about 1AM - 4AM. I have done nothing, but it has meant nothing. The Madrichiot (Israeli RA's but not as good) have done nothing about it as well. Thus, Josiah Bartlett talks me to sleep.
-Meats, cheeses, and liquids are more expensive here which I was not expecting. It is very surprising how many sheckles you spend on food that is normally cheap back home. You go for the burger one day and end up eating falafel for the next two weeks. On the bright side, everything here is sooo delicious and sooo fresh.
-Bread and its related products are not expensive, which is a good, because the heat makes them go bad very quickly here. RIP Pita Bread 5 Days. RIP Rye Bread Week and a Half. I hardly ate ye. My nice Israeli roommate (the Jedi master from the first post) has advised me on proper eating habits in Israel.
-Family is very big here. Everyone has tons of kids. They all lovingly embrace constantly. I am going to blame my homesickness on this and not the fact that I am a big baby. You don't appreciate something until they are 14 hours and an ocean away. I miss my friends and family back home. They are the reason I am always so confident and successful I think; I feel like they always are behind me. People here in the program are nice, but they aren't "Fordham Friendly."
-Drinking 3L of water a day makes you a nuisance in a six hour class.
-Everyone here loves to set people up, regardless of what religion, race, and color you are. Rabbis will find Christian boys nice Jewish girls. Muslim men will call out to a pretty girl on the street about marrying one of their handsome sons. ("He is doctor! Very smart! Very good looking! Please pretty lady! You are breaking my hearts!"). Match-making apparently transcends religious barriers in Jerusalem.
-Despite this, physical contact here is nearly non-existent. One of the people in my Biblical Hebrew Class is a Messianc Rabbi/Pastor from the South. He and I bonded over are unique forms of Judaism (I in between Reform and Conservative, him in between Christianity and Judaism). He is the second friendliest person I have met here. [The first is Shaban the shop keeper in the Old City, who literally invited me into his house for tea just to talk. He then gave me his card, his cousin's card in case I visit Bethlehem, and his home phone number in case I ever needed him. All this without buying anything!]. But anyway, back to the Messianic Rabbi: He is big on hugs. He hugs anyone who will take it, which normally would be weird, but here it is kind of refreshing. I am so out of it when it comes to physical contact that during lunch one day, he came up behind me and bear-hugged me. I jumped three feet off the ground! It had been about a week and a half since anyone had that much physical contact with me! I was caught completely off guard! A similar thing happened when I bumped into my Rabbi from home at the Western Wall. I spotted Rabbi Sarna at the Wall with his family and said "Hi!," but rather then a handshake (the farthest contact will go here usually) he gave me a big hug! My body suddenly stiffened and my friend claims I made a very awkward face. It might be true! The truth is I am not used to it here! I am so starved for hugs and pats on the back that I literally snuggled the pillow case off of my pillow last night. It is quite the culture shock to go from New York (very physical) to the Old City/East Jerusalem (very very conservative).
-Jesus didn't have to walk on slippery buffed cobble stones in his sandals through Jerusalem, but I do, which makes constantly falling permissible in my opinion.
-Areas are either very religious or anti-religious it seems, with the people who inhabit them following suit. If you are in a religious area, they expect you to be religious and (WARNING: consist theme appearing) will judge you silently and not so silently about it. If you are in a non-religious area, the people seem to go out of their way to be anti-religious. They too will judge you silently and not so silently for your tzit-tzit. I first encountered this on the plane when the EL-AL showed a good Jewish kids show on one channel and Sex and the City with full-on nudity the next. Why is there no middle ground here?
-Beards are itchy. I have not shaved in two weeks to see what I will look like by the end of it. Pictures to come of the two week beard.
-I prayed at the Western Wall tonight. I did it legitimately for once. We got a minyan together. I had a siddur. I prayed in Hebrew. ... Well I tried to pray in Hebrew. I just couldn't keep up. I couldn't read and feel it at the same time. Am I missing something? Should I just be reciting as fast as possible? Isn't that exactly not what the praying is about? I always get insecure like this when I pray and read the Siddur because I can't keep up. The Bible inspires me (both Testaments) but the stipulations and mandates and Halakcha confound me. They get me depressed, because I don't think I can be that kind of Jew. I can be the righteous person, but according to all this: God wants more from me. I could give and give, totally lose myself in it all to give, and never even come close enough to a fraction of what I owe.
Conversations with the Orthodox Rabbi in My Head:*
The Rabbi: Why not put on tefillin? It's five minutes in the morning! How hard could it be? God asked for you to do something so simple and yet you don't. Why? Cause it's more work? Just do a little more. It's a good thing. You honor God and your fellow man with tefillin.
Why not wear the tzit-tzit? They are only strings. God asked for you to do something so simple and yet you don't. Why? Cause it's more work? Cause it looks silly? You wear the yarmulke! That looks silly!
Myself (throwing up hands in frustration): I don't know anymore! Why do I wear the yarmulke? I started because I really felt God's presence with me. I really felt connected to Judaism. Now it is barely there. Is this the dark night of spirit, that St. John of the Cross talks about? The feeling of desolation from St. Ignatius? Maybe I should stop wearing the yarmulke! Plenty of people here have told me to; reform and orthodox rabbis both tell me I shouldn't wear it because it confuses people and gives people false expectations of me. I mean: Yarmulke == Orthodox. Ryan =/= Orthodox. Thus, Yarmulke =/= Ryan. Should I just give in and stop playing religious, as it seems I am? I don't know. I wear it when I am out as a sign to myself and others of my connection to Judaism and God, and then take it off when I am at home because my house/dorm/apartment has a mezuzah, another sign of the connection. I don't know why I do what I do anymore.
[Suddenly, a third Rabbi appears holding a bottle of vodka. He is from the Chabad in my head.]
Chabad Rabbi: Keep doing it! Screw 'em all who tell you that you are not good enough. Each action done spiritually for yourself or physically for others brings just a little bit of the light of God into this world. God wants you to do more, but that doesn't mean that God doesn't look at everything you have already done. Keep on the path. Study Torah. Be a good person. Do a little more every way that you can. The goyim are in this world for a reason. The Litvich are in this world for a reason. Surely you too are here for a particular reason. Now drink this! L'chaim!
...yeah.
The first two chunks were in my head. The last (including the drinking part) was a conversation I had with a Chabad Rabbi at a discussion class on Kabbalah. I forgot how much I love the Chabad way of thinking. That connection I talked about, its very Chabad-ish. The 'chesed' or ever-loving kindness of God that gives them their name. That feeling of more. That ecstasy of loving God that inspires their philosophy. I had forgotten how much and partly why I love Judaism until that Chabad class.
Well it is late and I have class in 8 or so hours, so I should head to bed.
I am going into the Old City again for some touring on Thursday, and then a hike through the springs on Friday morning. Shabbat here (maybe with the Chabadnicks, or at the Western Wall) and then hopefully the Bethlehem, Qumran, and Jerocho on Saturday. More on that later. Many good pictures to follow. Speaking of which, I ran out of room on my flickr account, but here is the link anyway:
I apologize for the grammar in this. Also, for it being a bit confusing. My head is spinning from all the personal God talk I did today (with myself and others). I may have missed some logical steps in explaining it here.
Go in peace and may the force be with you!
*-I actually do this kind of stuff in my head. One train of thought ended up becoming a short story on Abraham for my Masters Creative Writing Class. Comment if you would like me to post it here.
you must have known I would love the Chabbad comment. You see why i talk and idolize them so much? I love their way of thinking about things and what it means to be Jewish. I love their philosophy and their acceptance. They never once made me feel like a bad Jew, when I have always felt as much from pretty much almost any other Jewish person of authority teaching me Judaism...except my parents who my mother barely knows anything and Daddie only answers questions I might have and does not care how 'Jewish' or observant I am.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to Judiasm you do what feels right to you, what makes you feel closer to G-d. I think any religion is like that. And what more could G-d ask for? Religion and being spiritual is all about bringing yourself closer to G-d, respecting G-d, and acknowledgment. Or that is at least how I see things spiritually.
why else create a being that can think for itself and rationalize?
(i am assuming this was the part of your post you would have liked my opinion on :-D)
I will also comment on the fact that your postings, the way you describe Israel and all the site seeing and how it has affected you...makes me want to go to Israel more than anyone telling me how I have to visit and go on birthright.
And I do not understand the lack of touching...in more religious areas I can understand...but even in the secular there is a lack of touching? I find that odd. But do not feel bad about snuggling your pillow to sleep. I do the same with nothing else to hold close to me.
-Jenn